When I was a child, I used to ask such questions as, “Can I go to my friend’s house?” To which my mother would reply, “I don’t know. Can you?” That question confused me. After all, if my mother said I couldn’t go to my friend’s house, then the answer to that question was clearly no. Obviously, there was some deeply important point that I was missing in that exchange.

At some point in my life I realized what my mother was saying with that comment. It has been this way in other parts of my life too, which should give all parents hope that someday what they say to their kids will actually leave the intended mark. My mother was trying to get me to understand that my question was asking about my ability to do something and had nothing to do with asking permission to do something. Clearly, my question was used out of context. Oh, for shame.

Now that I have kids of my own, I find this same grammatical error creeping into their young, innocent lives and corrupting their grammar. It cuts to the heart of this loving parent. To help curtail this infectious use of the word can, I have taught my boys the following, “All you need to remember is, ‘May I? Would you?’ If you want permission, you say, ‘May I?’ If you are asking someone else to do something for you, you say, ‘Would you?’ You almost never need to use the word can since that is asking if you are physically–or otherwise–able to do something. The same is true with using the word could, as in, “Could you go to the store for me?” The person is likely physically able to do so, but will that person go? That is the question.

It is such a simple concept, and yet I find myself reminding them over and over. Lately, I have felt a deepening sympathy for my mother.

© M. D. McKinley, PHD 2015